MEET AVENTER GRAY
The historic image of a Black church’s first lady brings images of one wearing a large jeweled headdress, a perfectly coordinated satin skirt suit, coupled, of course, with a lace-trimmed lap cloth to ensure the knees are covered. So when Aventer Gray’s husband was called to the ministry as a pastor, she took a long pause.
“I was not trying to hear that at all, I’m not your typical first lady. I love a good dance moment,” said Gray, a Florida A&M University alumna. “ I immediately thought, ‘do I have to become anything?’ My husband calmed my spirit and said ‘just be you.’ That gave me peace and made me okay. God was already pleased with me.”
Ever since Gray received that assurance, she has been instrumental in changing the expectations of first ladies–and women overall–around church roles and daily life, assumptions, and realities. One of those assumptions includes church fashion, but Gray’s mother, Bonnie Cotton, still isn’t swayed. Cotton, who also attended FAMU, said even though she didn’t wear hats and gloves every Sunday when she was picked up by college friends to go to church, she most definitely dressed up, and still does.
“You would never see me go in on Sunday morning with no stockings, or with tore out jeans,” laughed Cotton, a 1968 alumna. “I’m old-fashioned. You dress up to go to church. But that’s just me.”
After having gotten used to the role and responsibility of being a first lady in a megachurch, Gray’s husband offered yet another invitation.
“When my husband was pastoring at Lakewood Church, dance was my contribution to ministry,” recalled Gray of their time at Joel Osteen’s church in Houston, Texas. “About five years in, in 2018, when he was called to take over the church in South Carolina, he asked me to copastor. He said ‘I see you can help me carry my vision, you are equipped.’”
“The connotation or definition of pastor can sometimes be destroyed,” she continued. “You can be pastor of your home, the students you teach, over certain things. I felt like I had been pastoring kids for years, through mentorship or dance, so I prayed about it and it resonated in my spirit that I could continue to be me in that role.”
Today, Gray is now co-pastor of Love Story Church in Greenville, SC, alongside her husband Co-pastor John Gray. She is also Chief Operating Officer of John Gray Ministries, and speaks regularly at Lakewood Church, and around the country.
Creating a Brand Around Transparency
Over the last few decades, faith-based community leaders have altered the formal history of the Black church and stigma associated with the Black church in an effort to bring back church members, attract younger congregations, and to align with the vision of younger clergy members appointed to provide spiritual and moral guidance to the church community.
As a co-pastor of Love Story Church, Gray’s contribution to this new movement has been ministering a recurring message of empowerment to women, and coordinating multiple praise dance companies and programs. She established the Aventer Gray Co. brand which includes Harmony Reign, a platform of H.E.I.R. for women’s healing, empowerment, inspiration, and restoration.
“It was important in my empowerment that women see themselves before adding a relationship to your role,” said Gray of her Harmony Reign program. “It’s important to know who you are–without any titles or accolades, any letters in front or in back of your name–so you won’t be picked off by the enemy. Before putting any of those letters before your name, you are a child of God.”
Part of her project includes her bi-weekly podcast called, “Ave Unfiltered” where Gray offers women listeners an opportunity to hear unfiltered content about her personal and professional life, along with current topics like women’s health, protecting one’s peace, and systemic racism. Podcast conversations have included her friends, colleagues and special guests including author and MTV personality Devi Brown, best friend and two-time Grammy winner LeToya Luckett, and empowerment speaker and TV personality Iyanla Vanzant. A two-part podcast episode featured her husband as they delved into discussions about infidelity, healing and being candid in the church about their personal lives.
“The most important thing you can be is unfiltered as a leader. Perfection doesn’t exist,” said Gray. ”Your testimony can help people to avoid some of the missteps and mishaps by being transparent, open and honest about things you’ve walked through where you didn’t get it right. If you’re honest and speak about it without shame, and you can see the hands go up, and light bulbs go on from people that say ‘me too,’ then we’re doing something right.”
Multi-talented in the Arts and Sciences
What helps Gray keep it all together is dance. While it is part of her self care routine to breathe, move and stretch, her mother enrolled her in dance school at the age of three and the practice became part of Gray’s DNA.
“Because of her background in church, and the Lord dealing with her, she took her skills from dance school and started doing dance ministry in church, and throughout the community for Black History Month programs, Dr. King programs,” said Cotton. “That’s how it really all got started. That was her passion.”
Cheerleading and dancing from childhood to today, Gray founded a dance troupe at the age of 14, performed while a student with FAMU’s Mahogany Dance Theater, and is founder and director of The Reign Dance Company which hosts conferences, master classes, and ministry guidance classes throughout the country.
“From artistic creative dance, to healthcare, heart and lung care, and caring about neonatal care, I happen to be one of those who graduated, and took a route of healthcare to divinity, to tv, entrepreneurship and women’s empowerment,” said Gray of her multi-faced background. “I went from one extreme to the next, finding the medium space to make it all work together.”
Dance was instilled in her, but the passing of her grandmother from cystic fibrosis while Gray was in eighth grade inspired her interest in receiving her bachelor’s degree in cardiopulmonary science, followed by a master’s degree in health administration from Strayer University.
“Who knew that I would need to use my expertise for the man who I would marry and the son who I would birth,” said Gray whose husband and son struggled with sleep apnea. “It was a battle for me to be heard by doctors, but because I knew what I was talking about, I realized I could advocate for parents.”
From Broadcasting Church Services to Broadcasting on OWN
In addition to opening up abouther life on her podcast, Gray gave the world 24 reality TV episodes to see her up close and personal. The Oprah Winfrey Network approached her husband John to be featured in a dramedy docu-follow about the family called, “The Book of John Gray.” The reality show was produced when John was co-pastor of Osteen’s megachurch, and when Gray was a co-pastor in training, and mother to preschool-aged children.
“I was a little skeptical at first when approached, but I found a very safe space at OWN,” said Gray, who was named after her maternal grandmother. “I think I represented well as a wife and mom as I was trying to figure it out with integrity. In one of the episodes, I wear FAMU paraphernalia. That’s my school, and I felt like I represented well. I wanted to be true to myself.”
Being on a reality show meant her parents, who lived with her, would also be on television. Cotton wasn’t excited about the fanfare, but her favorite moment was during Thanksgiving when the crew from “The Book of John Gray” participated in a large gathering, alongside the family and young people.
“I wasn’t too excited about it, but my husband enjoyed it,” laughed Cotton. “I don’t really like the limelight, but it was a good exposure. Whenever it was our time to do a scene, I was alway kind of nervous about it but we got through it. We had some good times, got close with the staff people.”
Where it All Started
More than 20 members of her Gray’s family have graduated from FAMU, and some are currently there.
“I don’t remember not being at a homecoming, not having a baby Rattler or junior Rattler orange and green pom poms,” she said. “All that was imprinted in me as long as I have been standing. It’s a family affair when it comes to Florida A&M and me. You cut me, I bleed orange and green after the red.”
Gray said she’s most influenced by her Rattler mother who was one of the first women to be chosen to live in the University Honor House, formerly the university’s house where a select few students were chosen to live based on academia and character. The building still stands, now as office space. Gray confesses, though, that she did attend another HBCU before making FAMU home.
“I was a [Alabama A&M] Bulldog for three minutes, but came back home to where the rattlers strike,” said Gray, who was crowned in many community and college pageants.
Because her high school graduation was scheduled in late June, she was unable to attend Alabama A&M’s summer entry program. So instead, she completed a summer session at FAMU, so as not to miss any credits before officially starting at Alabama A&M where she was offered a full scholarship to study computer science.
“The mistake my parents made was allowing me to go to summer session at FAMU. I started the fall semester at Alabama, but at that point, I had something to compare it to. My heart was in Tallahassee. After much prayer, God would have it that they had space for me. So, in the spring, I came back to Florida A&M and finished my whole collegiate career there.”
From studying so late that she got locked inside Tucker Hall having to sneak through a window to get out, collecting so many parking tickets that her parents had to help pay for in order to graduate, to becoming the chemistry class heroine by having an allergic reaction that brought the professor to release the class early, Gray’s years as a Rattler were some of the best years of her life, she said.